The Chinky Files

In the woods with Hansel & Gretel

No, it's not the mocha-flavored biscuit.  Tastes good, though, and the smell always moves me to cephalic phase. Good with coffee.

Anyway, remember these two kids who used stones and, well, eventually, bread crumbs to retrace their steps to their home?

I realized, sometimes, it takes one foolish mistake to lead us into big trouble and yet find ourselves in a happy ending simply because we find our way to it.  Never giving up. Finding a reason to live, inspiring us to live a day longer after another, from which we get strength to fight our adversaries...which is the challenge life brings.

Like a wicked witch waiting to eat us when we are at our fattest best (ouch! hehehe) there are people, things, circumstances that haunt us (if it is our past) or bite us, snapping their teeth right in front of us, when, at present time, we are in trouble, or hurting.

Optimism may be one of the many words easily said than done especially for "siguristas" like me because one may want to be optimistic but deep inside it is hard not to look back.  Sometimes, our wounds dehisce (nag-primary suture kasi, dapat siguro secondary or delayed primary, nyehehe) and we find ourselves retracing our steps to a "home" that once was there.

Good thing the birds ate the bread crumbs.

Then comes the misadventure.

Enticed by the sweet-looking house, oftentimes, we are misled into temporary happiness that serves as a trap that eventually becomes a reason for sorrow.  Like quicksand, we think "this is the end" and days just drag on. We go through a cycle: denial, anger, acceptance, resolution...

Then we get up and fight.

After that, when "danger" has been overcome, we become thankful for the challenge God has given us because without it, we could never emerge a better person. And we could not have realized that life is all that; a series of adventure (or misadventure, depending on how we look at things) after another.

We get bruised, scratched, scarred. These are just superficial. What's important is what happens inside of us. Well, at least our hearts won't atrophy! That's for sure!

We learn to appreciate, and be grateful for the people around us. To find strength in family. To get up when struck down. To find healing inspite of brokenness. To love endlessly. To hope (more than optimism) that our calloused hearts would eventually lead us to the happiness God has intended for us.

And how wonderfully God weaves each of our paths, all of us playing a role in each other's lives. Some may be protagonists or villains in other people's lives.

Haayyy....second semester of school will start next week and I have promised a friend a new beginning for us three.  So many things to start anew...

I might still need my bread crumbs, a sentimental person that I am. But I know little by little, those winged creatures would peck on them, thus, leaving me no choice but to look into the future and live in the present.

Hay...how serious can this get?! Let's go and bite some snack! A Hansel cracker will do!

When sleep becomes a mortal sin

Yep! Mukhang mortal sin nga sa mga med students ang matulog lalo na 'pag exam
night. At nangyari sa kin yan...hihihi

Quick lang ito kasi may exam pa ako bukas, the last two exams for the semester, woohoo!!!

Anyway, it's like this.  Ive been studying for pathology since friday. Super haba kasi niya and I didn't have much time to study surgery...yung aral ko dun was last sunday pa before our 2nd shifting exam. So, last night, after mass, I wanted to browse through everything just to be sure I studied everything and to have this kind of confidence during the exams. But as we all know, parang hindi mo alam kung talagang prepared ka na until you're there at the exam.

So, sige aral. Pero at around 9pm, drowsy na ako. So sabi ko, sige nap ako til 12mn tapos aral uli.  I set the alarm clock and I asked my dad to wake me up.

BUT NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

Parang galing sa bangungot ako napagising kanina. Na-trigger ata ako dahil tungkol sa school ata ang panaginip ko. At ang unang tinignan ko ay ang relo...

5am NA!!!!!!!!!!!! At nagbilang ako kung ilang oras ang tulog ko....a horrific 8 HOURS OF SLEEP!!!!!

Naiyak na ako...at nagtampo ako sa dad ko. Alam ko mali. At pinigilan ko nung una. Pero hindi ko nakayanan...Nagmadali akong magbrowse through sa notes at samplex ko. AT...

hindi na rin ako nakaligo....hihihihi! Ganun kalupit.  Dahil 8am ang test ko, pano ba naman, e bibyahe pa ako at magrereview!!!!

Siyempre medyo tampo-tampo pa ako sa bahay pero before I left, nag-sorry ako. I just said, "Well, at least I had 8 hours of sleep!" Nagbati na rin kami ng dad ko at hinatid pa niya ako sa school.

When I got to school, I couldn't study well kasi andun pa yung heaviness sa heart ko. Nagtext ako sa parents ko tapos punta akong banyo...kinausap ko si God...ipinaubaya ko na sa Kanya. Dun lang ako na-relieve. SIyempre, kelangan talaga ng unting conference sa Kanya. Sa banyo lang kasi medyo private at that time. Naiyak na rin ako dun.

Anyway, to cut the long story short, the day turned out well. At in the end feeling ko He put a spell on me to sleep for exactly 8 hours, "pahinga muna, anak" hehehe.

I got a good score in my patho exam. And surgery, I banked on my stock knowledge...ok na! Wala rin sa samplex at previous notes ang mga lumabas...so useless din kung nagpuyat ako sa wala.

So, again, I felt God played a prank on me and tested my temper, I failed on that part. I was panicky and as usual, medyo napikon ako. Pero here I am, thanking Him for saving me and...for putting me sleep...

The First Quarter of My Life

That is assuming I'd live till age 100

Unlike childish celebrations where birthday hats and colorful balloons surprise a big-eyed little girl during the day she was born, living life a year older just the next day is a lot different from that when you are 25.

Yes, I'll be 25 tomorrow. It may seem to others like any other birthdays I've had.  But somehow, reaching this age when you are deemed mature yet deep inside you know you are not makes one feel a little awkward and funny all at the same time.  I actually feel like Im 18 or something.  And I look like Im 16 (wala nang kontra...)

It is during birthdays that one can make a request and expect a wish fulfilled in an instant.  Or when one can tell a joke and everyone will laugh.  Or one can say something that no one dares to oppose.  In short, the special privilege is all in the hands of the birthday celebrant and it expires at midnight.  Luckily for those around him/her, the magic is only for a day.

In all honesty, there are wishes that I wanted to be fulfilled tomorrow...hoping that even in just one day I'd be covered with magic dust and all my heart's desire would be at my feet.  There are things that I have longed for to happen on the day I turn 25...some may come true, but I believe, the best gifts are bound to be given not in just one day.  Not tomorrow. Maybe not in my lifetime even if I reach 100 years.  But I guess what's important is that I have discovered that I wanted them and I am praying that God wants them for me too.  Besides, God does not give His love in just one day.  He gives it everyday whether we wish for it or not.  So I guess that's what I should expect for my birthday! It's not as if He runs out of gifts to give.  I'm sure, He's just saving the best for last.

There are things in my life that I passively accept.  It is only now that I learn to be critical, to discern, to know what I really want, what I want to accept or to let go.  To make a choice. I realized that in life, what we offer to the world, to the ones we love, even to God, happens by choice.  To choose despite the many options laid upon us, is a great way to live life as is the freedom that God has given us. That is, to choose wisely, consientiously, with much regard not only to ourselves but to others as well.

I do not regret the choices I have made.  For if not for them, I won't be where I am. If not for the many difficult situations that God has put me in, I won't be who I am.  If not for the people I have met...my family, my friends, even those who in the worst circumstances have left a great wound in my heart, I won't be my imperfect self.  I am grateful for my 25 years of existence.  And I pray that God would continue to breathe into me, allowing me to live one great morning after another until I meet Him face to face.  That is the best gift I could ever have.

I remember when I was in 4th year college, my Perception teacher (Psych 135) asked us what we wanted to be after graduation. Unsure as I have been at the time, I gave her 4 answers. I wanted to be a teacher, a researcher, a counselor, and a doctor. That was a safe answer! Haha! But God was listening to me even if it wasn't my birthday. And He gave the first three to me after graduation but he had to save the best for last. And that's where I am right now...on my way to becoming a doctor after 3 years...because He wanted to give me everything. He would not have done so if I went to med school on my own will.

Isn't God the most giving Father?  Even my own dad, as of the moment, is giving that gift to me as he continuously work for my over-the-ceiling tuition. 

I am so blessed every day of my life.  And I realized how many times I have been ungrateful because I often overlook the small graces I have been receiving in every second of the day.

Although I wish all the quizzes away tomorrow, it won't happen.  Even if I wanted to have a big surprise I have always wanted just as I have surprised other people for their birthdays, I know it won't happen. Reaching the age of 25 like this teaches me that I have to keep things simple in order to be happy.  To be quiet to highlight things that really bang!  To accept who I am and at the same time, hope to be better than my day-old self.  To not orchestrate things in my head as I would in my fiction stories because I am not the writer of my life...it is God and Im merely a paper.  And finally, to never get tired of loving even those who are hard to love, the ones who can't give as much love as I can give them.

And so, this is the last 3 hours of my 24 years of life. Tomorrow...I'll be the same, just a another day older.

Just a question though, does that mean I'd be having my 1st Quarterly exam tomorrow? Lord, don't make it too hard. You know I can't repeat my 1st quarter of life.

Haha!

To Walk on Water

Despite my busy schedule I was able to go to the CFC Glory Music Summit last night at the Ateneo theater with my very dear friend Joyers. It was songwriting contest and Joy and I couldn't help but reminisce the good old times we had together with our band in YFC, Human: Imperfect. We have a couple of compositions. I was the writer. She was the composer. And now that we're busy of our own affairs, we saw each other again after more than a year only yesterday.

Aside from that, I went to Tanglaw Study Center yesterday morning and had a meeting with the ORI (Optional Religious Instruction/Catechism) facilitators for Pisay this year. Lala, our Tanglaw coordinator asked me, "Diba Med ka? Buti may time ka pa for this?" Even the people in Pisay wonder how I still have time to go there for SCA.

This amuses me so much. Because I really don't know how to answer them. I just tell them, "May time pa naman ngayon kasi early dismissal kami 'pag thursday." But I know deep in my heart, "somebody" is fixing my time. And I'm enjoying every bit of my "itenirary" here on  earth.

The Lord knows I love variety yet, I'm a bit of a sigurista so I stick to what I used to do or have. But little by little He frees me from being a sigurista. My qualms about medicine, about my personal affairs, yes, even my lovelife, He's changing them all.

As I write all these things, I can't help holding back my tears. How grateful I am for His goodness despite my unworthiness. I know I have done a lot of disappointing things for my "general", as I consider myself part of His army. But still, He promotes me to higher ranks that at first I cowardly back out from. Blessings just pour in. And the next thing I know, I couldn't say NO to Him.

I am enjoying my classes. I am happy getting tired thursday nights coming home from Pisay. I get excited over making programs for kids. My life changes in every unexpected way. How do I do all this? I walk on water.

Geting back to the songwriting contest, my friend's boss asked her to make a short jingle about the newest feature of their mobile phone network. I wrote a simple one for her. And now,  I try, right at this moment to write again something for our God, who is simply amazing... Joyers, I hope you can make this, once again, into a soulful song.

I WALK ON WATER WITH YOU

As I step onto the big sea
The sky surrounds me
I fear a storm coming
Do I linger on shore or push on
I'm sinking in sand
Water seems so cold

*As time ticks and grains fall
I stare ahead
Wondering what lies beyond the horizon
My sight deceives me
And so, I close my eyes
And I walk on water

**Step by step I get closer to You
Not minding what storms I might go through
Thunder and rain, and splashes of waves
Nothing can stop me from being with You
If nights and days seem to never end
And the promise of land is not in sight
Hold my hand and squeeze it tight
Let me not look back for I am withYou
I walk on water with You

***Stir my heart towards the heavens
    Leave my sin into the deep
    Let not my eyes wander far
    Bring my feet to touch the water

For Batch '08 Pisay and others ( On applying to colleges & universities)

So, you're on your last leg of high school life and by now, I'm sure a lot of you have enrolled in review centers or if not, trying to enjoy the summer before school year starts. Um, this is no longer my job, actually, but of course, my concern for your future did not end when I resigned from Pisay. And now that you're on a crucial stage, all the more I am anxious in extending whatever support I could give you. Sana makatulong ito but please don't hesitate to drop by the guidance center for advice. Im sure whoever is there can also help you especially sa mga bagay na hindi na ako updated.

APPLICATIONS

Ok, so basically, by the end of May, UPCAT forms will already be out. You may acquire copies from the GC, or from UP. Libre yun. Alam ko compulsory sa Pisay ang kumuha ng UPCAT so kumuha kayo kahit medyo hindi niyo trip siguro sa UP (ouch! hihi) pero sa tingin ko marami naman sa inyo ang gusto dun (yey!)

Ateneo, DLSU, Mapua forms will be availalble to you by mid June or early July or August. You have to always visit the GC para makapagpakuha. Madalas kasi may mga naiiwan pa na sila mismo kumukuha sa Ateneo e pwede naman sa GC. Hindi lang nila alam. Sayang naman diba yung oras at pamasahe?

The key here is that, keep on applying because you'll never know kung saan ka mapupuntang university unless makita mong pasado ka na. E paano kung isa lang ang pinagtestan mo tapos malas pa? (Wag naman. Pero it happens!) So, keep on applying. Ang Mapua Libre. DLSU libre din. Ateneo may bayad ata. But believe me, worth it lahat, either at the end year you'll have lots of choices (magandang problema yun!) or may ego booster ka diba? (hehehe, pumasa ako dito at dito at dito...) Basically, ang magkakatalo diyan e aling scholarship ang pipiliin mo from the different schools. Ang saya diba? Kaya keep on applying. Take advantage niyo yung libre.

CHOOSING YOUR COURSE

Nung 3rd kayo nagkaroon na kayo ng mga Career talks and stuff so may idea na kayo somehow kung anong course ang gusto niyo. Pero kung mahirap pa ring pumili, I suggest you consider the following:
1. Ano ba ang strengths mo? Aling subjects ang madali para sa iyo? (List down)
2. Gusto mo ba yung subject na yun? (Rank subjects accdg to your preference)
3. Anong courses related sa subject na ito? (Find relevant courses)
4. Alin sa kursong ito ang gusto ko? (Rank accdg to preference)
5. Mahirap. Hindi ko alam ang gusto ko. (Consider the following)
        a. Anong magiging career ko after I graduate?
        b. Is it in demand?
        c. Does our country need manpower in this field?
        d. Will I enjoy studying this course?
        e. Does it have alternative opportunities or tied down lang siya sa one kind of         career?
        f.  Considering my family's finances, magastos ba ito or ayos lang?
        g. If my desired course entails lengthy schooling, am i willing to study for a             long time for the sake of excellent quality service?

      

*These are just some questions to help you decide on which course to take but it can not replace the significant role of your guidance counselor or even your parents.

6. Talk to your Guidance Counselor about your strengths & weaknesses as well as the             courses you can explore.
7. Ask for your parents' advice on the matter. They, above all, would only want what's best for you. Kapag sinabi nila kung anong gusto mo, ask them how they foresee your future. That could really help. Andiyan ang parents natin para suportahan tayong mafulfill ang mission natin sa buhay kaya mahalaga rin kung ano ang nakikita nila for us.
8. Talk to a professional na nag-take din ng course na gusto mo kasi more or less, ganun din ang magiging buhay mo 'pag kinuha mo ang course na un.

*Remember, hindi pwede maging bandwagon ang pagpili ng course or college. Buhay mo yan. Hindi tayo pare-pareho ng kapalaran. Kaya pray hard, choose hard.

QUOTA COURSES AND COLLEGES

Sa UP may mga quota na courses AT colleges kaya merong mga Pisay na hindi pumapasa hindi dahil hindi sila magaling pero MALI ang pagpili nila ng mga quota somethings.

Nung time namin, Diliman campus ang may highest quota. Pero ngayon na popular ang nursing and other health professions, Manila campus na ngayon ang may highest quota. So, HUWAG na HUWAG niyong ilalagay sa UPCAT form niyo na Diliman ang first choice niyo tapos Manila ang second! THAT'S A NO-NO! Pwede pa Manila tapos Diliman but never the other way around! Dahil pag hindi kayo pumasa sa Diliman campus, MALAMANG hindi kayo papasa sa Manila. For more info about this, check the statistics sa Guidance Center.

Ganun din naman sa courses. Nasa form naman ang mga quota and non-quota. At mga Pisay, please, please, choose SCIENCE OR APPLIED SCIENCE/ENGINEERING courses. Hindi iaaprove ng guidance ang course niyo kung hindi ganito.

Kung nagbabalak kayong magmed pero hindi pa sure, it would be better to check INTARMED box. Walang mawawala sa'yo. May choice ka pa in the end.

Sa Ateneo naman at DLSU hindi ganito ka-complicated pero for more info, visit the GC.

FORMS & OTHER DOCUMENTS

This time, there's no more room for KATAMARAN . Dahil 'pag nalate kayo ng passing, sorry na lang. Lalo na sa UP. So, pass all the requirements on time. Regarding naman sa mga recommendations and essays, gawin niyo agad. Pumili kayo ng magrerecommend sa inyo na talagang kilala kayo at alam ang mga strengths niyo hindi lang academically. Dahil tinitignan din yun ng mga universities lalo na pagdating sa scholarships. Give the recommendation forms to your teachers ASAP to give them time to fill them up and really think about your abilities. Baka kasi hindi lang ikaw ang nagpapagawa plus, marami rin silang ginagawa. Konting consideration naman po There is such a thing called ENVELOPE so gamitin natin yun para hindi magkawalaan ang documents mo at maayos ang lahat pag pinass niyo sa GC.

*So, eto muna siguro for now. Eto pa lang ang mga kelangan niyo. Next time na yung iba. Basta, consult the Guidance Center for anything. Im sure, sobrang willing silang tulungan kayo basta POLITE, RESPECTFUL, PUNCTUAL, OBEDIENT kayo sa kanila, ha?

If you have questions, please feel free to text me or email me antintin@yahoo.com pero siyempre iba parin kung yung present counselor niyo or anyone from the GC mismo. Paki-spread na lang ito sa batchmates niyo ha!

Uy, God bless sa inyong lahat. Wish you all the best. Ito na ang unang hakbang niyo sa pagdiskubre sa inyong misyon sa buhay. Let's all pray for one another. Remember:

IKAW LANG ANG MAKAKAGAWA NG MISYONG INIATAS SA IYO NG PANGINOON.

PAGBUTIHAN MO.

"Many great things depend - don't you forget it - on whether you and I live our lives as God wants" (St. Josemaria Escriva)

Go and sin no more (Rebecca St. James)

This is my FAVORITE SONG. My life song, actually. Especially verse 2. You can listen to it at my multiply site http://images.tinguevarra.multiply.com/song/1/4/full/U2FsdGVkX189E4u8itBejP81Q9YDWSbPIHZ4hzW2xv0JsdiddmL,3l9vNcjzfFKk/Go%20And%20Sin%20No%20More.mp3

GO AND SIN NO MORE

Verse 1

I have sinned, come on my knees for I'm not worthy of Your love.

How could You die for me? Such grace can only come from God.

Oh, Lord, You search and You know me; You see me inside out

God, You alone can forgive me; erase my fear and my doubt

*Father, You pick me up I feel like a child in Your arms

I don't deserve this love but I hear Your voice, Oh Jesus

**Go and sin no more

He said I will not condemn you. I'll forgive and I'll forget it all

Go and sin no more

My child let me remind you it is I who'll lead and guide you as you go

Verse 2

You are my purpose. You are the reason that I live.

I want to be like You. Help me to love and to forgive.

God let me not be distracted. Lord, help me focus on You.

Keep sin from ruling my life, Lord. Make me holy and pure.

Repeat *

Repeat **

Something to share for the Lenten season. This song is partly based on the scene of Mary Magdalene and Jesus wherein the people asked Christ to throw a stone at her for her sin of adultery. And Christ said, "The one with no sin should cast the first stone." Everyone left except for the two of them. And Christ said, "Go and sin no more"

Our God is such a forgiving God. (Yey!)

To My Bes

As you open your eyes to a bright shiny day
Spare a moment to gaze up at the blue canvass
With feathery strokes God makes a way
To bless each one of us with traces of love

The art of life is enjoying the mornings
To thank the Lord for a promise of a great day

I made this poem just for you
Because you're one stroke in the sky that I thank for the most.

-December 4, 2006 (7:30 am)

Parallel Paths

Sometimes I really wonder why some people have to live apart. Their lives could be so intertwined...if only they're given a chance and if circumstances would permit them.  But it seems that there are those who are meant to travel only on parallel paths with all the similar humps and grasses but separated by forking roads. One can only look up, and in the evening twilight, wish they could be journeying together side by side.

Parallel paths do exist.

It causes tears to flow but it would eventually lead to eternal joy. For what is a lifetime of bliss compared to everlasting happiness?

My heart's choice is eternity.

God moves in mysterious ways

A*Taken from an email sent to my 3 friends last September 6, 2006

Hello! musta na mga friends ko sa iba't ibang parte ng mundo? Musta ka na ann girl (canada)? Musta ang East timor, Nirva chan? Meron bang bagong happenings diyan? Como estas, señor Anton?

Just want to share something with you because this is a meaningful day for me. Here it goes...

Busy as always.  But as we all know, God can make His presence felt in times when our minds are so occupied with so many things. We know He can be "papansin" sometimes.

This week is the second hell week in our first semester in medicine.

Tuesday:          Anatomy practicals and long exam

Wednesday:    Physiology lab conference

                      Biochemistry 2nd long exam, lab conference

Thursday:        Neuroanatomy long exam

Friday:            Psychiatry 2nd shifting exam

Monday:          Physiology long exam

It can be so tiring....and depressing, disappointing, etc. And I guess I had my episodic moment a while ago.  I thought I've had enough.

As my teacher was trying to refresh our memory about our undergrad chemistry during biochem lab conference, trying to explain the effect of inhibitors on enzymatic activity using the transition metals (is this medicine or what?!), my mind wandered off and this thought came to me as if I was so sure about it: "I'm gonna finish my first year in med then I'll quit and pursue my masters in psych. I want to talk to people. I want to make people happy. Not this. Not this. Definitely not this."

Then, my God came to the rescue. He sent two loving messages through two of my friends right before laboratory ended at 2pm.  The first message was about David and Goliath from one of my SFC friends who rarely texts me. By the way, she's a guidance counselor.  The other message was from another friend who I only met once but everyday she texts me wonderful messages.  Her message was:

"May what we find, as we look into our hearts today, be meant to please, not ourselves, nor others, but only Him, who really counts."

She sent it in a very unlikely hour of 2:03pm.

So, I told God, "Wow, pasikat ka ha! Ang bilis mo to the rescue." And maybe He knew that this time, I might be serious about my thoughts of quitting.  So the afternoon ended at 4pm after 2 lectures on amino acids and fatty acids.  But before going home, my friend, Aileen, and I stayed a little while to talk about our disappointments in school.  Our greatest foe: tulog... We parted ways after re-affirming each other and wishing each other luck as we prepare for yet another exam tomorrow.

Pero hindi pa pala tapos si God sa kanyang paramdam...

On my way home, while the jeep in Araneta avenue was still waiting for passengers, a lady sat beside me.

     "Pwede ba magtanong?"

Syempre unang pumasok sakin, naku! baka modus operandi to. baka mabiktima na naman ako! but you know naman me...

    "Ano po yun?"

Then she showed me a paper with blood test results. Kung pwede ko ba daw interpret kasi baka pagdating niya sa ospital wala na ung doktor kasi it was beyond 5pm at that time.

     "Naku! Hindi ko pa po alam yan!"  (we had our physio lab con a while ago and you know what our topic was? hehe, hemo...blood coagulation and stuff)  Of course Im afraid to make a mistake.

So, she folded her paper again.  But, I felt a little bit guilty not even reading what her paper really contains.  So, I asked her, "pwede pong patingin?"

She showed me the paper and there I saw numbers, wbc, rbc, neutrophils, platelets, etc.  So, I tried to recall what I have learned.  Good thing the normal ranges were indicated beside the results column and I only needed to compare them. So, I tried to explain to her what hematocrit, platelets, etc mean.

After that, I still advised her to go to her doctor because it's just my interpretation; there may be other significant information I failed to interpret.  She thanked me for it and I told her I hope her child gets well soon.

After that incident, I felt so happy and thanked God for allowing me to experience that today, of all days.  I know that I would fail Him a lot of times especially when I'm tinotopak.  But He's always there to lift me up. He continuously affirms that I am where I should be.  I am exactly where I should be. He knows best what can make me happy.  He knows where He should put His souldiers in the battlefied.  He believes in me when I lack belief in myself.  He rescues me just in time.  He knows it can keep on happening throughout my lifetime but His love endures all this.  And this makes me wanna say "awwww..."

And so I end my sharing with today's Gospel, which is so apt:

"Leaving the synagogue, Jesus went to the house of Simon.  His mother was suffering from high fever and they asked him to do something for her.  Bending over her, he rebuked the fever, and it left her.  immediately she got up and waited on them.

     At sunset, people suffering from many kinds of sickness were brought to Jesus.  Laying his hands on each one, he healed them.  Demons were driven out, howling as they departed from their victims. 'You are the Son of God!' He rebuked them and would not allow them to spea, for they knew he was the Messiah.

     Jesus left at daybreak and looked for a solitary place.  People went out in search of him, they tried to dissuade him from leaving.  but he said, 'I have to go to other towns to announce the good new of the kingdom of God.  That is what I was sent to do.'  So Jesus continued to preach in the synagogues of the Jewish country."

(Luke 4:38-44)

*I miss you all.  Im sure you're having your own moments with our God. Isn't He just the greatest! Astig talaga! Well, He's just the greatest! Have fun with your adventures! Til next email!

Jolly B!

Ewan ko ba pero ang saya talaga sa section B. Kapag kasama ko ang mga kakalase  ko dun, nawawala ang pagod at lungkot sa araw-araw na pagharap sa mga pagsubok ng medisina.

Natutuwa ako hindi lang dahil sa kakulitan ng aking mga kamag-aral na talaga namang gumagambala sa mundo ng aming mga gurong doktor, kundi pati na rin sa kanilang dalisay na kalooban na sa kabila ng mga hirap na dinaranas ay nakukuha pa ring tumawa at magtulungan upang maitawid ang bawat isa tungo sa pangarap na makapaglingkod sa bayan sa pamamagitan ng medisina.

Naniniwala ako na ang mga mag-aaral na ito ang mga magiging doktor na may puso at handang tumulong sa iba dahil sa paaralan pa lang ay ganun na ang kanilang ginagawa. Tulungan sa pag-aaral. At mayroong kaisipan na "Tayo-tayo rin naman ang magkokonsultahan sa hinaharap. Para saan pa ang makipagkumpetensiya?"

Marami na ang nag-drop. Pero sa klase namin, wala pa. At sana sa pagtatapos ng taon ay buo pa rin kami. Humahangos ngunit nandiyan pa rin. Dahil ang paggagamot ay hindi gawain ng isang tao lamang. Mas marami, mas masaya! :)

debah? hihihi :)

*Pictures: (1) bee from Tagaytay; (2) biochem chromotography expt/pictorials! hehehe :)

Jupiter in My Pocket

As I peek into this magnified world

An eye closed, half a gaze towards the light source

Can't help but wish

To keep, to own

Jupiter in my pocket.

The fifth wonder in the Milky way

Is the first wonder in my realm

How much it spans the outer space

Is how much it spans my soul

So, I ask with childish plea

Can I have Jupiter in my pocket?

*Aug. 1, 2006

To where He leads me, that's where I want to be

"This guy has been here even before my med school days.  He literally hangs around"

I remember Dr. Rosales saying this during our Neuroanatomy class on the spinal cord; referring to the skeleton hanging on a pole. I love that class. Neuroanatomy is my favorite subject and he's my favorite teacher (so far) because he discussed the lesson so well that you won't need to take down notes to memorize the important concepts and terms he mentioned in class. But he can get pretty cranky when he sees someone sleeping... but he admitted that he was quite tired that day.

I must admit that everyday since I started going to med school, there hasn't been a time when I thought of going back to counseling and teaching. Med is so tough it made me cry a couple of times already, made me miss meals, carry big books, study all night and day long (being awake 12mn onwards!), study in the parties and, yes, rip my skirt in the morning (jumping over a flooded area and then...what a great day!)

And yet quitting is a not a solution to the "problem".  Medicine is my response to the call of God. It is my gift to Him as He has gifted me with an opportunity to heal. And i believe, no matter how blurry it is to see where Im heading in this field, or if I deserve this, or if Im truly capable of finishing the race called medicine, this is where He wants me to be at this time of my life. So medicine is not a problem. It is a challenge.

Medicine is a sweet torture as texted to me by one of my classmates. One of the things I hold on to whenever Im down is one of my classmates' sharing about my counseling days and medicine. She said whenever I talk about ADHD or cases in school, my eyes light up and I seem to be so excited and speak confidently of it. Maybe because I have applied what I have learned in college and Im enjoying it. She said that when we get to apply the things we learn in med school, we'll enjoy it also. And I believe her.

The cross of Christ is a heavy burden. And I am simply carrying it with Him with minimal effort because I have decided to love Him. And medicine is that tiny portion of the cross. My sacrifices are incomparable to His. And I simply must endure the painstaking process of being a doctor because I want to follow Him.  And it is a decision I have made before I enrolled.

"Love...endures all things" (1 Cor. 13:7)

As I finish this blog and go back to studying, I can't help but thank God for the stormy weather (but no so much because of the danger it brings to other people). He knows Im not yet ready for the Anatomy practicals and Neuroanatomy long test for today. So, I can study more because I want to be excellent in my studies and be a good doctor.

I am grateful that God is molding me to become a teacher, counselor, researcher, and soon, a doctor, and all the things I am capable of doing, multitude of talents He has given me. Maybe, there's really something He wants me to do in all these fields.

To where He leads me, that's where I want to be.

"To the weak I made myself weak, to win the weak. So I made myself all things to all people in order to save, by all possible means, some of them. This I do for the Gospel, so that I too have a share of it." (1 Cor 9:22-23)

*picture is from the 1st Physiology Lab Experiment on Muscles

Miracles in an instant

Woah! Ang tagal ko na atang hindi nakapag-blog...busy kasi (ows) --- tablahin ba ang sarili (hehehe) :)

I just want to share what I have recently experienced. Some time this week, I dropped by the UP Chapel before I attended an important and memorable event. I was feeling sad then and I wanted to cry because I'm going to miss a really good friend who happens to be attending the same event. I just wanted to pour my heart out to Him before I see that person because I wanted to be in good disposition before I go there.

While riding the jeepney going to UP, I was "thinking" of the things I'd tell Him (as if He doesn't already know them!). And my tears were already streaming down my cheeks. So I was expecting I'd be hysterically crying in front of Him when I get to the chapel.

But! That did not happen. When I got there, I just stared at Him. I was trying to recall what I planned to tell him but I couldn't seem to remember it.  I tried to think of something that  might trigger any emotions to help me remember, but I was numb.

And so, I just spent some time in prayer, telling God, "Lord, parang nakalimutan ko yung dapat kong sasabihin sayo. Iiyakan pa nga dapat kita, e. Diba?"

And so, I left the chapel feeling weird but I knew He already answered my prayer. I was already in a good disposition. And I couldn't remember why I should feel sad that day.

The event I attended turned out great and I was genuinely happy. And for the nth time I realized how amazing God is and how He makes miracles in each of our lives; not the loud, attention-seeking way. But like a whisper, a gentle breeze, an instant that you won't easily notice but the miracle is actually already happening to you.

That's what happened to me. I didn't even see it coming. And it was like when Im in His presence, there is no reason to be sad about.

i actually see it as another blooper that only God saw (hehehe). I can hear Him saying, "Oh, akala ko ba iiyak ka? Nakita mo lang ako, natulala ka na! Sabi ko sayo, punta ka sakin, hindi iiyak."

He really does miracles. This is not the first time He's done this to me. He works miracles in my heart that even in the most painful situations, He sends the "Mighty H" a.k.a. the Holy Spirit to act as a cotton placed beneath my eyes to absorb my tears so i could do the right thing. 

So, I believe that miracles happen and sometimes they do occur in an instant, in the simplest, and most ordinary times of the day. All we have to do is to be vigilant to recognize them and readily thank the Lord for them.

You know, cooking up a miracle is a no fuss for God. All He has to do is pour in hot water in a cold plate of soul...voila!  An instant miracle!

Creation

Lines of clouds in fading blue sky

The sun sets but its warmth never leaves us

As my eyes stare at the horizon

As far as it can reach

The wonders of creation never cease to amaze me

The beauty that is around

Is waiting for us to see

The beauty inside

The beauty within

As the day ends and night unfolds

A thousand stars await us

A thousand wonders in the skies above

Oh the heavens...

The earth, a taste of heaven

To love, this i wish

To be loved, this i dream

With thousands of wonders on earth and in heaven

Am I not loved enough?

To my students, about a pebble thrown in lakes

http://pebblethrowninlakes.blogspot.com/

For those who don't get to always log into Friendster, you may read my entries at this web address.

Why "pebble thrown in lakes"?

I've experienced God's hands in so many ways, especially when He moves me from one place to another, gives me different tasks, and rapidly "throws" me in different lakes after creating some ripples in it.

It's just so amazing how God uses each person for different purposes.  We were given different talents and abilities.  Our lives are weaved so differently that no one can ever walk the path that we have taken (and still taking).

I realized during this Lenten season that God created me as I am because I am designed for a specific task in His plan. I don't know what exactly my task is but the thought that if I miss out on that by sinning and deviating from the ways of God makes me sad.

But I guess, no matter what I do, God continuously steers me towards His divine plan.  Whether I decline on a certain task, hesitate, doubt, prolong my decisions, He puts me right where He wants me to be at that specific time.  And He has proven this so many times in my life.

1.  When I was in college, I started with a degree in Speech Communication but prayed that if God wants me to be in Psychology, He would allow me to shift.  My GWA in the 1st semester was a disappointing 1.90.  The required GWA for Psychology was 1.75.  But in the 2nd semester, I got 1.20, which allowed me to shift to Psychology.  My GWA was 1.55, fortunately.  The quota for Psychology got higher because all of the shiftees had high grades.  It became 1.65 instead of 1.75.  God was so good to me!

2.  When I was in 3rd year college, my term as a cluster head in YFC ended and I was invited to serve as either sector head or a high school program volunteer.  I wanted to be an HPV but I had to concentrate on my studies, as I was preparing for med school...know what?  I ended up being a YFC club moderator in high school in my first job.  Did I ask for it? NO!

As I was going up to the third floor of the school during the first quarter, 2 freshmen boys greeted me, "Hello, kayo po ba si Ms. Cristine Guevarra?"

I answered, "Yes, what can I do for you?

"Diba po YFC kayo?"

Woah! I wasn't expecting that! Apparently, they asked the Prefect of Discipline, Mr. Mike Lomibao, if they can put up a YFC club in their school.  He said they should talk to me because I am a YFC member.  Mr Lomibao was the one who interviewed me during my application as a Guidance Counselor.  And all we talked about was God and YFC.

And so, I served as a Guidance Counselor, Christian Living/Values Ed. Teacher, and YFC Club moderator at Sacred Heart Academy of Pasig.

3. Well, also in my 3rd year in college, I met Ate Lorie Anda and after doing UNIV paper, she asked me if I could give catechism classes at Philippine Science High School. Little did I know that I would be coming back to this school and serve as a Guidance Counselor too... without asking for it!

I have encountered a lot of rejections before I got in.  I was inexperienced compared to other applicants.  I took my Civil Service Exam late.  I was taken in as a substitute after being rejected first.  But still, I got in...and despite the rejections I got prior to being accepted, in my heart I believed that God has something for me to do there.  Although when I got there, I didn't see what it was.  I thought I had to put up another YFC club. But He asked me to do something better than that.  I served the students and PSHS community through SCA.

4. And now, I'm being moved again.  What I thought was a forgotten dream, or something that I just desired but not meant for me, is now becoming a reality.  A tried to run away from it...so many times.  But I guess, God has something for me there too.  How many times did I run away from it?

a. I asked for a specific sign (an NMAT with a grade of line of 9).  He gave me an exact grade: 90 (saya no! sana pala I asked 99+! hehehe) but I did not go.

b. My parents, who were the ones opposing it when I was in college, encouraged me during my second year of work, knowing that I had been admitted to UP again for Masters degree.  Still, I hesitated.

c. I took another NMAT, since my previous grade is already expired.  I wasn't able to review because of my work. Hence, I asked God to give me a decent grade..even decent for UP-PGH.  He gave me 92.  Again, I doubted. I deferred.

d. But during this year, God taught me that the way to Him is love, not mere signs.  And so, unsure, afraid, and deeply sad that I am, I said YES to Him.  Now, I'm preparing for med school, aware of the many changes that will happen in my life.  Because I believe that this is where God wants me at this time.

Many people misunderstand my decision.  When I feel tempted to justify my choice, I just whisper to God, "It's for you naman diba?" so I just smile and keep quiet and try not to overly expound on the reasons why I'm leaving.

I'm really like a pebble.  I'm being thrown in different lakes from time to time to create momentary ripples.  And when my time is up, He picks me up again and throws me in again in another body of water.  I guess I'm not meant for long time tasks for a pebble cannot suspend itself on top of the water.  Instead, it sinks to the bottom, to oblivion after passing through the width of the lake.  And so, I must learn to serve in silence.

So, to my dear students, I love you all.  Even those who I left at SHAP.  Now, my dear, dear Pisay students, who I hope I have served well.  Much as I want to spend every waking minute with you, listening to your woes, talking about the crazy things we do each day, whispering about the beatings of our hearts, and loving God in our own special way, I have to go.  And you must too.  For you are not meant to stay in your schools for a long time (kaya sa mga tinatamaan...mag-aral kayo nang mabuti no! hehehe).  There will come a certain point in your life that God would call you to do something for Him...not out of duty! But out of your blooming love for Him.  My love for Him is not yet perfect so I cannot boast of that.  But I believe, and so I urge you on, that this love would get stronger each day.  And He will help us perfect that love for Him.  And so, our task, our mission in life will come naturally to us.  That in everything that we do, what we talk about, what we think, feel, God is there.

"Nothing is more practical than finding God

That is, when falling in love

In a quite absolute final way.

What you are in love with,

What seizes your imagination,

Will affect everything.

It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,

What you do with your evenings,

How you spend your weekends,

What you read, who you know

What breaks your heart,

And what amazes you with joy and gratitude.

Fall in love, stay in love

And it will decide everything

----Fr. Pedro Arrupe, SJ

Just a Love Song for Him

HEALING

Now that we have gotten through
One more fall
I can just admit I've got it all
Cause I do
Cause I've got you
We've crossed these battle lines too many times
It passes through the heart
But it never leaves a mark

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasn't there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

I've kicked around those lines in my head
But I never listened to the words that You said
See where it's lead
Well I know I have it now
Cause You showed me how
And all I had to do
Was just to keep my eyes on You

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more cure
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling
Lord I know that Your love is healing

(break)

Cause Your love just keeps on healing me
No matter how I bruise
If I just trust You
Your love just keeps on healing me
One more clue
One more chance that wasnt there before
In your arms
no pain can harm the way im feeling

Lord I know that Your love is healing

*We have a God who just waits for us to love Him back. Oh, it's so hard to love Him back when there are lots of distractions. But He keeps on courting us...little by little, we see, we notice, we feel, that there is this someone who yearns for our love...

To be at HIS disposal

I'd like to share with you some of the things that I have learned in the past few days.  A lot had been happening in my life lately, and I can't help but wonder at them...some painful, others rewarding, but in general everything points me at the man crucified on the cross and how much he loves me...no matter what.

"If in our mind and heart we are genuinely convinced that just nothing and nobody are to be preferred to God; if we honestly can say that, should duty to God demand it, we would be willing to separate ourselves from any human love, no matter how strong; if there is nothing that we have, position or possessions, that we ever would let stand between ourselves and God -- then our love for Him is real." - Leo J. Trese

Astig nga naman...lahat ng librong randomly nadukot ko during the retreat e panama sa akin...This is one of the many quotes I got...I'll share with you more.  I'm at the crossroads kasi.  And my weakness:  ATTACHMENT! yan!

"...We are truly and perfectly indifferent if we stop in the middle of some meritorious work if God wills it and turn back halfway toward a worthy goal if He says we should."

God is shaping me towards prudence, fortitude, and detachment.

PRUDENCE:  "The guiding light in the practice of prudence is the question: What under these circumstances, would God most probably want me to do?"

FORTITUDE:  "Anyone can be good when it is easy to be good.  But God expects more of us than that.  God expects us to be good even when it hurts -- as often it does.  Fortitude is the virtue that disposes us to do what is good in spite of any difficulty."

DETACHMENT:  "The indifferent heart is like a lump of wax in God's hands, readily receiving every impression of his will...The detached soul does not care if it is serving God by meditating or serving him by looking after a neighbor.  What matters is what God wants the sould to do at that particular time."

Ganda no? :)

God is asking me to move a notch higher in these virtues...ang hirap.  But there was this one instance during my retreat when I realized that I can do anything (at least the most difficult thing at that time) for God no matter how painful it was. Nung ginawa ko yung dapat kong gawin, nasaktan talaga ako. Pero hindi naman ako namatay diba? ;P At nagawa ko siya dahil siguro, mas mahal ko si God kaysa kanino man. Sana.

Sabi nga ng pari sa amin, persevere in prayer. :) Totoo yun.  Kung tutuusin, kung will ni God ang hinihingi ko, ibinibigay Niya agad, ORA MISMO! Pero 'pag hindi..."manigas ka diyan!" hehehe :) "umiyak ka man ng bato!" hehehe :)

"We must of course be scrupulously honest with ourselves in answering the question, 'What would God probably want me to do?'  Always there will be temptations to blind ourselves to considerations that conflict our own preferences, to try to TWIST GOD'S WILL to conform with ours, to make God look at things through our eyes rather than make ourselves look through His.  If we can clear this hurdle, then we have found the big answer to serenity of days."

Maybe God is telling me, "Hey, grow up!"  I feel He's calling me to be more responsible as His soldier.  He is teaching me to be more obedient to Him and not to throw tantrums when I don't get what I ask. Kasi more often than not, He gives me what I ask...very quickly. Siguro naging kampante ako. "Ah! Malakas ako kay God! Pwede na kahit siguro hinging kong akin na lang ang isang tao o bagay...Mabait naman ako diba?" :p PASAWAY!!!! "Friends naman tayo diba?" ;p

Nakalimutan ko na Ama ko rin siya...at ibibigay niya lang ang isang bagay o tao kung nararapat. Hindi ba't ganun ang mga magulang? Marunong din humindi?

Minsan nahihiya ako kay God kasi laging bruised yung heart ko pag binibigay ko sa kanya...pero mahal talaga niya ako e. Kaya siguro tinuturuan niya rin akong mahalin siya...at siya lang...

Sa pag-alis ko sa Pisay at pagharap sa bago kong buhay, madalas naiiyak talaga ako e.  Isa ko pang best friend (madami kasi...hindi ko pa pwedeng bangitin kung sino, baka hindi pa alam ng iba e :) aalis na siya at magiging pari. Magiging estudyante ako uli. Hindi ko na makikita nang madalas ang mga taong importante sa akin. Ang daming magbabago sa buhay ko.

Mahirap. Masakit. But I hold on to the truth that as God's soldier, I am at His disposal. Kaya siguro sinaktan na Niya ako ng sobra ngayon. Dahil marami pa akong dadaanan.  I still have to win a lot of battles for Him that would require my faithfulness, service, and true love for Him.  Love for Him.

Sana makapagretreat din kayo this Holy Week...sobrang fruitful, rejuvinating, and renewing.

I share with you my pledge. Pray for me as I pray for all of you.  Sana maging faithful tayong lahat kay God. Sobrang astig niya. Promise :)

"I am a daughter of God.  I am a soldier sent into this world to combat evil.  Though I am weak, I am strong because He is with me.  And whatever needs to be done for His greater glory, I must do with much love.

And so, what I did tonight hurt a lot but not much as to the extent that I would die.  The pain is bearable because I love God even more.  I hope I'm being honest in saying that.  I want to love Him more...more than anybody else in this world.  And only through Him will I find lasting joy.

As a soldier, I have to learn to obey Him more, for I am stubborn as a child who throws tantrums when a desired thing is not given to her.  But in time I know he will cut me down, taper me, and humble me.  By doing small difficult things now, I know that later on I'll be able to do bigger and more difficult tasks.

I am at Your disposal, my Lord."

Hybrid

Nakakatawa lang. Ngayon-ngayon ko lang nakikita kung gaano ka-unique ang bawat isang tao sa mundo.

Well, alam naman natin lahat yun pero ngayon ko lang talaga naiintindihan yun on a deeper level.

Minsan kasi, I wonder, especially when I reflect on what kind of friends I have, how we mesh well together despite our different backgrounds, lifestyles, and ages. Lalo na yung mga friends ko sa Pisay. Most of them, mga PSHS SCA Volunteers na sobrang mahal na mahal ko.

For some who don't know me well, I'd like to give a brief background about myself in terms of my spiritual life.

I was raised a Dominican: Laudare, Benedicere, Praedicare (To praise, to bless, and to preach). And I really appreciate my alma mater kahit siguro hindi ito kilala masyado ng mga tao dahil ito ang institution na nagmold sa akin. Grade school to high school nandito ako. Part ng passions ko nabuo dito. Dito ko rin nakilala ang school physician namin na Dominican alumna at UST alumna din, the late Dr. Milagros Fernandez. She was so humble and I admire her so much. Even if she was a doctor, she herself had an ailment of her own...a painful one. Yet, she endured it 'til the end.

She was the one who recruited me to be part of the 1st batch of Junior Legionaries of their praesidium Virgo Potens. Our group was named Virgin Most Powerful (hehe, english translation ng Virgo Potens). There, she taught me how to be more prayerful, and to reach out to people through catechism, invitation to the blessed sacrament, mass crusade, recitation of the catena legionis, and many others. (Ah! naaalala ko pa!) High school ako nito e. Siguro 2nd year. It even reached a point na kahit nag-camp na ako sa Youth for Christ, inactive ako dun kasi may responsibilities ako sa Legion of Mary.

Pero hindi rin ako nakaligtas dun! Edi hati nga yung oras ko lalo na pagweekends dahil sa 2 ito! First year college ako when I was called to be active in YFC. Pinatugtug lang ako sa isang camp, the next thing I knew, cluster head na ako after a few months. siguro December 1999 yun tapos August 2000 ako tinawag na mag-lead. That's the time na amidst criticisms, even from those I consider friends, I still accepted the call. Matapang-tapang pa ako nun e! :) hehe.

May flow kasi yun e: member - household head - unit head - chapter head - cluster head. Wala akong kaalam-alam, tinawag Niya ako at sandamukal na problema ang kinaharap ko!

Then after 2 years of my term, I was asked to move up but I declined, thinking that I'd have to devote my last year in college for my preparation for med school. I was also asked to serve as High School Program Volunteer. I also declined. In short, I became a regular member. Pero dito ko na-realize na pag tinawag ka Niya, kahit anong tanggi mo, ilalagay ka niya talaga dun. Eventually, nag-serve din ako sa high school when I worked. But that's another story. :)

Dahil member na lang ako at hindi ko alam kung saang household ako aatend, I ended up looking for God elsewhere. And He looked for me too. I started going to mass every lunch time where I got to know the Jesuits. Kasi after every mass nag-iinvite sila ng mga young men for vocation sa Loyola House of Studies...syempre wala for girls...unfortunately. Pero I got to love the Eucharist through them (plus may mga gwapong semenaristang dumadalaw! hehe! joke! :) pasaway...) At ngayon, sobrang paborito ko si Fr. Jboy Gonzales, SJ because I learn so much from him. He, indirectly, taught me to love the Eucharist more. Parang every 6pm, I really have to go to mass and I can't be late! I anticipate it. At nakaka-adik ang misa! promise! Minsan parang ayoko ng umalis sa church kasi napaka-peaceful dun e. Sarap.

Anyway. During my last two years in college, I got to know Opus Dei too. First, from my biology teacher, Maam Balcos. She asked us to fill out a survey sheet about Study habits (which I think I did poorly because Im a crammer). But still I got this invitation to do research for UNIV, where I met... *tada!* Ate Lorie Anda! :) And our friendship still keeps getting stronger until now. Second, through two of my Math 100 classmates, Justin Fernandez and Ryan Aninias. Weird nga e. Nagkita kami ni Justin sa chapel. Dun kami nagbatian, "Classmates tayo sa Math 100, diba?" Hehe. Nagstay sila sa Kapuluan Study Center. Grabe! Sila yung best guy friends ko sa UP ever! Kala nga ng iba blockmates kami sa sobrang close namin. Si Justin kasi Chem major pero nagshift siya sa Econ. Si Ryan naman Pol Sci. Ako,hehe, Psych. I don't know where they are now. I last saw Justin early last year sa may McDo Qave (MRT). Sobrang namiss ko sila. Nag-farewell ice cream pa nga kami nung last day namin sa class. Everyday kasi yung class na yun so we always walk together from Math building to the Faculty Center. Hay... No wonder I have lots of Opus Dei friends now. Spiritual director ko si Fr. Mon Nadres. Si Ate Lorie, syempre, girl best friend ko sa Pisay. Si Maam Aimee, Kawen, Jan, Maam Xavier, Si Anton na guy best friend ko rin sa Pisay parang kina Justin & Ryan. Aba! yung 2 best friends ko sa Pisay parehong devoted kay God, no? Astig!

Idol ko rin si Bo Sanchez ng Kerygma. I even dreamed of writing in that magazine. Part ng organization na ito si Maam Malu Capundag.

May mga friends din akong Christians...

At ngayon na nasa Pisay ako...at paalis na... parang totoo nga ang sinabi nung isang student ko. "Hybrid" daw ako. Madalas nga kami nag-uusap ni Ate Lorie about it. Maybe I just want to find where I truly belong. I mean an organization/congregation where I can grow more. Pero mukhang mahirap nga yun. Dahil hybrid na ako. I'm a little bit of all these organizations. And siguro nararamdaman ko na tatawagin na lang ako ni God kung merong specific group na kukupkop sa akin. Nagtatampo kasi ako minsan kung bakit ako...hindi pa Niya ako tinatawag sa ganun. Pero siguro eto na yung tawag Niya sa akin.

Each person is unique so God calls to each one of us differently to different missions in life at different times and in different ways.

Kaya siguro HYBRID ang upbringing sa akin. Kasi HYBRID din ang pinapagawa Niya sa akin :p naman!!!

Thank you, Lord! Ching-Ching-Ching! *(^_^)*

**picture namin sa Chocolate Kiss ng mga SCA Volunteers, my fwends**
(l-r) Jam, Ate Lorie, Flor, Maam Osit, Fr. Mon, Ed (Flor's bf), Jan (standing), Raffy, Anton, Aimee, Era, Malu, Karen

Random Thoughts, Feelings rather

I always say that "Life is a Great Adventure" but it is only now that I fully understand the meaning of this. I guess, it is inevitable to take risks and venture into unknown waters in order for one to truly surrender to God, who is so generous and loving and an adventure-seeker Himself.

When one tries (I use the word try because Im never sure if I really am focused on Him) to focus on Him, He will definitely reveal Himself...but not only that. He will reveal to you who you really are.

All the imperfections, the wounds, the ugliness that one possesses, illuminating the radiance that only God has.

I am learning soooooo much from this life. I am sooooo glad I am alive. And I'm in for another adventure. Although it hurts me sooooo much to leave some people (people that I love, and someone verrrrry special to me), I guess I have to. It's part of the adventure.

I guess, to KNOW what God reallllly wants takes more than a lifetime. Or, basically, impossible, because He is unfathomable, immeasurable, simply amazing.

But He gives clues.

A mystery, indeed!

And I like it!!!! ;p

And so...I pray that I would not falter in this test. My feelings get me into trouble most of the time. But it is my strength too, maybe that's why He's leading me to my next mission.

I am soooo afraid. I tremble, cry, and hesitate because I am soooo afraid.

I recently read one of my classmates' write-ups about me. She quoted me "It is challenging to serve God without power (position) because there you will wonder where you get the power."

Sabi nga ni Fr. Mon, "Be not afraid".

And so...right about now....I'll be writing my resignation letter...with the hope that nothing can stop me from moving on.

A leap of faith...a spiritual attractiveness I could not resist...

"Many great things depend -don't you forget it - on whether you and I live our lives as God wants."
St. Josemaria Escriva

So I stop rationalizing, justifying, envisioning. I put on my yoke. And I TRY soooo hard to focus on our God.

I just hope you experience this also (of course, not like mine for each one of us has a different journey to travel). But it's simply indescribable...

I'm excited!!!

BRING IT ON!

"FOR YOU ARE MY REASON, I NEED NO MORE WORDS."

Bloopers and all that stuff

Grabe! Feeling ko minsan ang buhay ko ay isang malaking blooper! Hehehe.. kanina ba naman, on my way to Galleria, tinalsikan ako ng putik along EDSA (huhuhu). Natawa lang ako. Feeling ko para akong comediante na hinagisan ng pie parang sa tv (as if nakakapanood pa ako ng tv!)

Anyway, share ko lang. Nung '06 retreat na lock ako sa banyo...weird talaga yun. Tapos nung SCA camp, kahit malayo na ako sa industrial fan, ako parin ang gininaw...Well, at least may natutuwa sa akin no :) yun nga lang, natatawa ang mga tao pag hindi ako nagjojoke...pagnagjojoke na ako...nyehehe :) asa pa!

My life is a blooper. It is made of mistakes that end up hilarious...naalala ko tuloy yung mission statement namin sa YFC SHAP (sana ginagamit pa nila) "I may be wounded by my past but I continue to live in the present, driven by what the future holds for in all these times, God is with me."

Dami na nangyari sa akin. Mga surprises ni God. Mga bloopers niya sa akin. And I guess my life is fun because of that. Ma-iinlove ka sa isang taong kala mo siya na pero hindi pala kasi...:) pero may natutunan naman ako. O kaya magtatrabaho ka passionately kasi you believe its your mission pero hindi pa pala un kasi...:) pero na-train naman ako sobra.

I just want to share yung sobrang great advice sakin ni Fr. Mon, chaplain ng Pisay. Sabi niya, "If it really comes from God, it will have the spiritual attractiveness you can't resist even though you might not humanly prefer it." Astig no?

Sana matapos na itong struggle na ito. Para pag natapos na mapagtatawanan ko uli ung sarili ko at masasabi kong, "blooper na naman!"

Medic ako ni God...pero paano? Hay...physical or spiritual warfare? Saan ba ang battlefield ko? Para akong sundalong naliligaw kasi e. Na-iinlove pa ako sa kapwa ko sundalo...hirap... blooper talaga to o the max!

Matagal ko nang hinahanap si JUSTIN FERNANDEZ dito sa Friendster. Pag nakita mo tong blog na ito...ha! Matatawa ka! blooper talaga to! natatandaan mo yung dilemma mo nung college pa tayo? Ha! I never expected it to happen to me! Cool pa akong mag-advice pa noon sayo...hehe..biktima ako ngayon!!! Gets mo? :)

Pero sa kabila ng lahat ng ito, masaya ang buhay dahil sa ngiting hatid ng bloopers ng buhay ko.

At least alam ko na ang DIYOS ang General ko at i-didirect niya ako sa battlefield ko.
At least alam ko na God is granting my wish...that is to learn how to truly love. To love without expecting anything in return...
At least alam kong nakakatawa din ako kahit unintentionally
At least alam kong somewhere out there, my true love exists...at maaaring hindi siya ordinaryong tao...baka ang hinahanap ko ay ang Diyos na pala mismo...posible...
At least kahit mabigat ang dala ko dahil madalas hindi ko problema ang pinoproblema ko, nakakangiti parin ako dahil ako ay isang malaking blooper...nasa loob ko na ang reason para maging masaya...dahil nasa loob ko ang Diyos at sapat na ito para maging masaya ako...
At masaya ako dahil sa pagtawa ng tao sa aking bloopers, nakikita nila na dulot ito ng Diyos...at
nagagampanan ko kahit papaano ang aking misyon...

*Grabe, personal masyado ang blog ko ngayon...Sa mga makakabasa nito! TAWA!!!!! Ang blog nga pala ay ginawa sa ganitong purpose...bakit pa ako nagtataka? Akala ko kasi magagamit ko ito para gumawa lang ng mga articles...pero kusa na lang pala siya lalabas...

GOD BLESS YOU ALL!!!!

*eto nga pala ang picture namin sa retreat (eto yung time na na-lock ako sa loob ng banyo...)

Birth Control or Life Control

Do Contraceptives control birth...or a person's life?

BIRTH
Yes, it does control birth because it prevents a fetus from forming in the uterus.

LIFE
It drives a couple to have sex anytime they want because there's no responsibility to think of.
It becomes an addiction.
Sex becomes as casual as a handshake.
Teenagers can readily access it since its use is being encouraged, anyway.
People get what they want when they want it.
Love loses its worth because people use it as a reason for doing it. But love is all about life, isn't it?
When all we want is the act and not the life that is produced because of the act, then it's like eating
for the mere experience of eating. Can we survive that?
We Filipinos are duped because some medical companies want to dispose their defective drugs on us. And we let ourselves be duped; cloaked with economic progress and anti-poverty remedy ek-ek. Some say it's for the couples, but really, that is not the target market but the unmarried ones. Proof: why advertise condoms to teenagers during teen shows and the theme is about parties and friends? How perverted! I get goosebumps whenever I see that ad.
It becomes the topic of values-oriented discussion.
Impatience becomes a virtue.
The real problem is not solved.
It promotes more problems.
It is the only solution...what about natural methods? Too hot to wait? Ha! Are you human or animal?

One of my students said that doctors like contraceptives because they are doctors. Priests don't because they're priests. I say, it is a gray area and whatever your view is, it reflects your character. What kind of person do you like to have a relationship with? It shows when you use contraceptives or not.
It is like anesthesia, really. Some say it is the cure to our socio-economic problem. Overpopulation hinders economic growth, so they say. But anesthetics do not cure an illness. It just numbs. And everytime you feel pain, you'd like to take this drug again and again and again until such time your illness worsens and it'll be too late to cure.

I STILL BELIEVE IN TRUE LOVE. And true love waits. True love is responsible. True love is all about life. I was created free. I am not a captive of contraceptives. Are you?

Empty Space vs Market Place

This week has been so full of learning experiences for me. Grabe talaga. If you guys live near UP Diliman, I suggest you attend mass there specially during weekday evenings. The chaplain gives really good homilies that makes you understand the scriptures, allows you to reflect, and makes it easier to apply the gospel in daily living. The gospel that struck me most this week was the wednesday mass about Jesus driving away the peddlers in the temple. He didn't want His Father's house to be a market place. Just like our hearts...the Temple of God. There is a market in there too.

Nakakaiyak talaga. He played the song from the new Bukas Palad cd, Empty Space. Astig lang talga. Panama kasi e. That day kasi i was in so much pain because of some chinky matter (for my close friends, you know what I mean :) And in that mass, God answered my question. He is the answer.

Nakakaguilty talaga... I didn't know there is a market place in my heart. So many things to do. So much to hope for. So many things being asked. Looking for Him in him. And yet there He was, just waiting for me.

Nyarknyark...drama na naman. Wala lang. This was an exhausting week for me.. And i guess the whole november will be. But He makes me smile from time to time :) pagnahaharass na ako sa dami ng dapat kausapin. yung inaabangan ko biglang dumadating (sa amin na lang ni God yun). Ang saya lang.

Hope your week has been productive too... chinky-chinky!!!!

Life is a Great Adventure

  I've been to Subic several times already...for different reasons...with different people. And everytime I go there, it's nothing but fun, fun, fun! :) I'll share some pictures with you...

Anyway, in general, my week-long break was worthwhile :) ASTEEGGG sobra!!!!

Kahit nga before that puro travel ako... (i can get used to this...hehehe :) from tagaytay (3rd yr reatreat) to bicol (1st PSHS NCE) to Subic (2nd yr Outbound) to sta. rosa (family break), to calamba (sports with tanglaw girls)... saya!!!!

All the more I appreciate this wonderful life that God has given me. And I'm so glad I've got different kinds of friends!!! Hooh! Kaya nga napagkakamalan akong either High school student (naks!) or 17-year old girl (I'll take that as a compliment!)

Ang saya pala mag-blog...sana may oras ako palagi. dibale may journal naman ako. pero astig parin 'to.

Anyway, let the picture speak of the fun I had in the past couple of days... (ill post 'em next time)

God bless to ya'all!!!! :)

*Batch 2008 (2nd yr) field trip to Subic. Teachers having fun :)

GLOOMY EYES THAT TAKE MY BREATH AWAY

Gloomy eyes that take my breath away

How I wish to speak to you again

I yearn for your voice on the other line

O do you still think of me on this lonely night?

The longer the days go by

The more my heart seems to die

Only, I fight to survive

Because of you

And this long day has been such a pain for me

My mind bouncing into rewind

My heart pounding against my chest

As I stare back at those gloomy eyes

That take my breath away.